My partner loves a good surprise, and so for his birthday I instructed him to put on loose, comfortable clothing, bring a blanket, valid identification, and drive to a specific location. He was super-excited when we arrived at... The Drive-In! One of our favourite things to do together during the summer.
Unfortunately, there were a few oversights on my part. First of all it's not summer yet.. It was actually raining hard enough that we had to use the windshield wipers in order to see the outdoor screen. But every time the wipers moved, the sound (fed through the AM radio) would cut out. We eventually chose sound over visibility, and turned off everything in the car except the radio, peering through the foggy, rain-splattered windshield at the movie. Our conversations went something like this:
"Is she holding a knife?"
"No that's a piece of bread. She's giving it to her boyfriend."
"No it's her mother, see the headscarf?"
"Well wait until they say something, then we'll know who it is"
This got old pretty fast, so we had the bright idea of angling the car so that we could see the screen through the passenger window. With the window rolled down we finally had both picture and sound! And... rain. The rain was pouring in through the window - I was literally soaking wet by the end of the movie. When the movie was finally over we met our final challenge. The car battery was dead, or more accurately dying. The power steering was gone, the headlights flickered weakly, and the speedometer didn't work. Chaos reigns!
Long story short, we were able to get to a gas station and get a battery-jump from a friendly driver. So it all worked out in the end. However, the experience has left me with a few unresolved feelings about spirituality. It sounds random I know, but let me explain.
During the moment when the car wouldn't start, and my lovely partner disappeared into the darkness to get help, I felt that familiar pulse of anxiety and helplessness. This is the moment of desperation when I usually turn to God, asking for help in some way. So in this moment it occurred to me that now would be the time to pray. But, I don't believe that it works this way any more. I don't believe that the divine interferes on my behalf when requested. The universe is magical, random, and chaotic, but does not grant wishes. At least I don't think it does. So where does this leave me? What do I do in these moments? I felt very alone, very small in that moment. I didn't like the feeling at all.
Looking back at the experience, it was actually way more funny than scary. But what happens when it really is scary? When I feel desperate, to whom do I turn?
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